Where I run away..
When the bubble gets burst, don’t get in there again.
It won’t be of any use; the air feels different, the shapes look more blurry or clear, you pick. See them for what they are, stop your imagination from running wild and be in that moment even if it hurts. Even if it kills you, be there. Be there like you’ve never been. Be there with your soul and heart and mind and willingness to let go. Don’t get wrapped up in that head of yours, we all know what it does to us, don’t we? Enter our head and you’ll find a colourful post-card, with a rainbow across its page reflecting its rays on the lake that’s shaded with these amazing tall trees.
Get closer and you will hear laughter, don’t be afraid, get as close as you can to the happy couple in front of you. Smile, because you can’t help it. Let their emotions overwhelm you and be jealous, be very jealous and envy them for being on cloud 9, for finding each other, for loving and being loved back. Have the urge to snatch it all away from them just so you’d have the same too. You’ll get it and leave them miserable, you’ll get the happiness you stole for a while because you think you deserve it. Enjoy it. Enjoy every moment while it lasts. Fall in love deeply. Fall head over heels for him and promise you’d do anything to be together. Then live like a princess, like Cinderella who got everything beautiful in no time, like Belle, feel proud that you have changed the beast into this charming man who adores you. Love him, do anything for him.
Then get crushed. Then fall face-down and get hurt. Break your heart and watch it bleeding every drop. Hear the echo of the drops and don’t you dare think of hearing that haunting laughter. It was a decade ago since that happened.
Carry your heart in your hands and hug it closer to your chest. Attempt to put it back in place, try to take a deep breath while you watch it bare and twisting in your trembling hands. Aim to quieten its agony but nevertheless, enjoy watching it suffer and wilt in the palms of your hand. Let it back in and close it.
Don’t you dare open it again, silly girl.
What worries me the most is that you’re going to use what I feel against me. You well know just how much I can’t live without you, how I can’t go on about my day without hearing your voice and you’d depend on that..
You’ll know that I’ll come back to you as I always do. And I’m not strong enough to walk on and leave you behind me, I will look back and reminisce on the days we had together, all the fun and hardships we endured together and how we’d find our way back so I’d feel obliged to once again. So as not to tarnish our memories, our story.
My shoulders are hunched because of the huge burden of knowing that we are different, we don’t have to be though if you’d just see what I do.
Why does it have to be this complicated?
We had the world in our hands, the future stretching ahead of us, we had no barriers when it came to our future but that can barely happen now.
I’m waiting, you’re waiting for something else and I’m afraid it’d be too late when you make your decision.. I don’t want it to be a completely irrational one where you won’t give a single thought to what would happen to us.
Still waiting, Me.
I read things I shouldn’t have.. They affected me deeply, they made me more confused about us.. That is if there’s going to be an ‘us’ to begin with..
I wish if I didn’t have to worry, I wish if you never told me, I wish I had known earlier.
- Fashion Tumblr-ers you recommend me to follow?
That night.. Those feelings..
They come back to me. Every freakin day, I’ll remember what happened in some point or the other.
I remember how I took a long sigh, muffled by a silent cry that I couldn’t let out. I was suffocating. I was drowning and no one could have heard me. Not even you.
I didn’t believe this was it. I was stupid. I asked if it really is the end. You said yes and that you were sorry..
How can someone say sorry after killing a person? Is it to kill them more times? To make sure they’re perfectly dead? You didn’t have to hold a knife to look like you just stabbed my heart. Your words were that knife.. What you said to me killed me more than a knife can cause damage in me. You left me bleeding even more when you twisted my feelings for you.
Ironically, I didn’t hate you then. I know this and I wonder why. But you know what? That’s what love is really about. You love someone despite everything they’ve done to you. You love them despite all the pain they caused you. You love them even when.. Even when they don’t.
I can’t begin to describe how it felt like.. But how do you explain to others the near-death experience that you went through? You died that night. The blackness of the night swallowed you whole and left you shaking and choking on your cries.
Sleeping that night was a miracle. I do not know how it happened but it did.. I’m glad that it did.