What worries me the most is that you’re going to use what I feel against me. You well just how much I can’t live without you, how I can’t go on about my day without hearing your voice and you’d depend on that..

You’ll know that I’ll come back to you as I always do. And I’m not strong enough to walk on and leave you behind me, I will look back and reminisce on the days we had together, all the fun and hardships we endured together and how we’d find our way back so I’d feel obliged to once again. So as not to tarnish our memories, our story.

Dear You,

My shoulders are hunched because of the huge burden of knowing that we are different, we don’t have to be though if you’d just see what I do.

Why does it have to be this complicated?

We had the world in our hands, the future stretching ahead of us, we had no barriers when it came to our future but that can barely happen now.

I’m waiting, you’re waiting for something else and I’m afraid it’d be too late when you make your decision.. I don’t want it to be a completely irrational one where you won’t give a single thought to what would happen to us.

Still waiting, Me.

I read things I shouldn’t have.. They affected me deeply, they made me more confused about us.. That is if there’s going to be an ‘us’ to begin with..

I wish if I didn’t have to worry, I wish if you never told me, I wish I had known earlier.

That night.. Those feelings..

They come back to me. Every freakin day, I’ll remember what happened in some point or the other.

I remember how I took a long sigh, muffled by a silent cry that I couldn’t let out. I was suffocating. I was drowning and no one could have heard me. Not even you.

I didn’t believe this was it. I was stupid. I asked if it really is the end. You said yes and that you were sorry..

How can someone say sorry after killing a person? Is it to kill them more times? To make sure they’re perfectly dead? You didn’t have to hold a knife to look like you just stabbed my heart. Your words were that knife.. What you said to me killed me more than a knife can cause damage in me. You left me bleeding even more when you twisted my feelings for you.

Ironically, I didn’t hate you then. I know this and I wonder why. But you know what? That’s what love is really about. You love someone despite everything they’ve done to you. You love them despite all the pain they caused you. You love them even when.. Even when they don’t.

I can’t begin to describe how it felt like.. But how do you explain to others the near-death experience that you went through? You died that night. The blackness of the night swallowed you whole and left you shaking and choking on your cries.

Sleeping that night was a miracle. I do not know how it happened but it did.. I’m glad that it did.

I changed for you. I lied for you. I became what you want me to be.

What else do you want?

The way you said it.. In that tone.. As if you were sure of what you were talking about, as if you took our time together for granted.

I should have been assured too.

But I guess I like it when you considered me as precious as a fleeting moment, one that would just go away at any time.. And you held on to me so tightly, I had to ask you to loosen your grip because I’m not going anywhere.

That was my mistake.

I can’t help but wonder if we’re gonna have a future together.

I remember how guarded I was at the beginning, how I grasped in all those lessons about building a wall to keep you safe and being the naive, ignorant-about-love that I was, I held on to them like a shield.. One that others’ painful experiences made its elements. And things were fine. You kept telling me to lower that shield, and believe in you.

How wrong was I to do that?

Believing you, I took off that wall that kept me on the safe side till I chose to take yours, thinking that I won’t be far ahead from it.

And that.. Well, that has made all the difference.

I now have expectations. I now watch them fall down and crumble in front of my very eyes knowing that I shouldn’t have let you in my beliefs.. In my everyday life.

But it’s too late now. Damn it, I can’t let go of you even if you once let go of me. I welcomed you with such big arms and a smile and a wounded heart that would never forget this:

I would have been okay if I didn’t believe you.

Despite that we are happily moving on, there’s this mark that’s left behind. No matter how much forward we go to, that mark acts as a solid reminder that things CAN and WILL go wrong someday.

And I fear that.